I HAVEN'T ALWAYS COME UP SMELLING OF ROSES,
I'VE HAD YEARS BEING RIGHT DOWN AT HEEL.
DON'T TELL ME ABOUT SCRIMPING AND SAVING,
THERE'S BEEN DAYS BART A BOB FOR A MEAL.
THERE WAS A TIME , JUST AFTER CHRISTMAS ONE YEAR,
I WAS SEVEN MONTHS GONE WITH OUR DAWN,
AND DON SEZ, ROMANTICALLY,'WE'D BEST GET WED,
BEFORE THIS POOR BABY IS BORN.
WE BOOKED'T REGISTER OFFICE FOR LATER THAT MONTH,
I COULDN'T AFFORD A NEW FROCK,
A FRIEND OF MINE LENT ME HER CONEY FUR COAT,
AND WE MET IN'T TOWN HALL UNDER'T CLOCK.
REGISTRAR, LOOKED AT US STUNNED BUT FORCED A SMILE,
I BET HE THOUGHT,'WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE,
WE HADN'T A CARNATION BETWEEN US,
MAM SAID, 'WHAT A START TO'T NEW YEAR.
DON'S DAD WERE GASPING, HE'D BRONCHITUS,
WE HAD TO HAWL HIM UP LAST FLIGHT A STAIRS,
THERE WERE ME IN A COAT I COULDN'T FASTEN,
UN MY DON IN HIS BEST PAIR OF FLAIRS.
MY DAD WERE STRUGGLING WITH HIS SPINAL SUPPORT,
WHILST MY MAM HELPED ON WITH A GRIN ,
DON'S MOTHERS BUNNIONS WERE GIVING HER HELL,
WE LOOKED LIKE SOMETHING THE DOG HAD DRAGGED IN.
I THINK THE REGISTRAR WAS ASHAMED OF US,
COS, HE RUSHED THROUGH THE SERVICE LIKE MAD,
THEN DON COULDN'T GET RING ON MY FINGER,
COS, MY LEFT HAND HAD SWELLED UP SO BAD.
WHEN WE CAME OUT OF'T TOWN HALL IT WERE RAINING,
SO TO LEWIS'S WE WENT FOR US TEA,
WE HAD A CUPPA UN ONE OF THEM SMALL FAIRY CAKES,
AND THEY ALL TOOK THEIR COATS, 'CEPT ME.
WAITRESS CAME OVER TO GIVE DON THE BILL,
SHE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE THAN FIFTEEN.,
'HAVE YOU COME TO SEE'T CHRISTMAS PANTO, ' SEZ SHE,
'NO LOVE ' SAID I ' WE'VE JUST BEEN'.
BUT WE ALWAYS FOUND SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT,
IF YOU CAN LAUGH AT YOURSELVES YOU'LL GET BY,
COS, THERE'S ALWAYS A SILVER LINING SOMEWHERE,
THERE'S A LINING IN EVERYONES SKY…..

I MUST HAVE BEEN ROUND'T CORNER , WHEN GOD HANDED OUT THE BOOBS,
CAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD A LOT ON TOP, THOUGH I ALWAYS ATE GOOD FOOD. ,
BUT MY BUST WERE NONE EXISTANT, I STUFFED MY BRA WITH COTTON WOOL,
I TRIED TO WALK WITH MY CHEST STUCK OUT, TILL IT GAVE MY BACK A PULL.
THEN ONE DAY I SAW THIS ADVERT, FOR A GENUINE BUST ENLARGER, ,
I KNEW I HAD TO HAVE ONE, AND DIDN'T CARE HOW MUCH THEY CHARGED YA.
I SCRIMPED AND SAVED FOR AGES, TO BUY THIS WONDERFUL MACHINE. ,
AND I FANTISISED ALL DAY AT WORK, I WAS IN A CONSTANT DREAM. ,
TILL FINALLY I'D SAVED ENOUGH FOR MY MIRACLE APPARATUS, ,
THOUGH I COULDN'T AFFORD TO MEND MY SHOES, ,
LEAST MY BUST WOULD BE OUTRAGIOUS. ,
WHEN I WENT THIS POSH ASSISTANT SEZ,'YES DEAR, CAN I HELP'. ,
BUT I WERE STRUCK DUMB WITH EMBARRASSMENT, SO JUST POINTED TO'T TOP SHELF,
WELL, SHE LOOKED AT SHELF, THEN DOWN AT ME,
AND WITH A VOICE THAT ECHOED ROUND,
'A BUST ENLARGER MADAM' ,
THERE YOU ARE, THAT'S JUST THREE POUND'
WELL I WANTED FLOOR TO OPEN UP AND SWALLOW ME THERE AND THEN, ,
BUT I PAID THREE QUID AND SCARPERED PAST ALL THE GAPING MEN. ,
BAC K HOME I RUSHED TO'T BATHROOM, ,
MY NEW TOY TO THEN PLUG IN. ,
MY MIND WERE FIXED ON 'C' CUP BRAS , ,
AND CLEAVAGES AND THINGS. ,
I SPENT THAT LONG IN'T BATHROOM, ,
MY DAD WONDERED WHAT WAS UP, ,
BUT I'D SWORN MY MAM TO SECRECY,
SO SHE KEPT HER MOUTH TIGHT SHUT. ,
THE HOURS I SPENT GYRATING, ,
WITH THIS THING STRAPPED TO MY CHEST. ,
BUT I PERSEVERED BELIEVING, ,
WITH BIG BOOBS I WOULD BE BLESSED. ,
EVERYDAY I TOOK MY MEASUREMENTS, ,
BUT THEY WERE ALWAYS THIRTY TWO, ,
TILL ONE DAY IN DESPERATION, ,
I CHUCKED THE BLOODY THING DOWN'T LOO.
AYE! I THREW AWAY THAT DAFT MACHGINE,
BECAUSE IT DIDN'T FULFILL MY NEEDS,
THOUGH IT DIDN'T DO MY BUST MUCH GOOD,
I'D BIGGEST NIPPLES IN ALL LEEDS,

I'VE DONE SOME THINGS IN MY TIME,
BUT THE DAFTEST HAS TO BE,
WHEN I WENT AND PAWNED MY WEDDING RING,
SO'S OUR LASS COULD SEE THE SEA.
REST OF'T CLASS WERE GOING,
AND MY SISTER FELT ASHAMED,
MY MAM TOLD HER SHE WAS SKINT,
AND I HADN'T A PENNY TO MY NAME.
SO, I OFF AND POPS MY WEDDING RING,
NEVER THINKING OF'T DISGRACE,
BUT IT WERE WORTH IT JUST FOR'T LOOK I SAW,
UPON MY SISTERS FACE.
IT WEREN'T UNTIL I WAVED HER OFF,
I SUDDENLY WENT QUITE COLD,
HERE I WAS, HEAVILY PREGNANT,
WITHOUT MY BAND OF GOLD.
I MUST HAVE TURNED THREE SHADES OF GREY,
WHEN I REALIZED JUST WHAT I'D DONE.
SO, I DASHED OFF DOWN TO WOOLWORTHS,
BEFORE OUR LAD GOT HOME.
I'LL WRAP IT THE ASSISTANT SAID,
BUT I SAID, PLEASE DON'T BOTHER,
IT'S ONLY FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS,
JUST TO TIDE ME OVER.
I MEANT I'D ONLY BOUGHT IT TILL I COULD REDEEM MY OWN,
THEN I REALIZED SHE MUST HAVE , IT WERE JUST TILL BAIRN WERE BORN.
AFTER THAT FARCE I WERE DESPERATE,
FOR A NICE HOT CUP OF TEA.
SO OFF I WENT TO'T CAFÉ,
SITTING DOWN PATHETICALLY.
WAITRESS CAME AND TOOK MY ORDER,
SEZ I ' A POT OF TEA FOR ONE'.
THEN WITH MY HANDS CLASPED UNDER'T TABLE,
I QUIETLY WHISPERED TO MISSEN,
FORGIVE ME LORD, FOR WHAT I'VE DONE,
WITH THIS RING I NOW REWED,
BUT AS I SLIPPED IT ON MY FINGER,
MY FACE WENT CRIMSON RED.
COS, HALF OF THAT THERE CAFÉ
HAD BEEN LISTENING TO ME,
BUT I CALMLY REACHED FOR A SERVIETTE,
AND PLACED IT ON MY KNEE.
I FELT I HAD TO SAY A PRAYER,
BEING A GOOD CATHOLIC GIRL YOU SEE.
SO I JUST STUCK MY NOSE IN'T AIR,
AND CALMLY STIRRED MY TEA.
THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS , YOU SEE,
WHILST I STARED BACK AT THEM QUITE BOLD,
I WAS THAT LONG PUSHING RING ON,
MY CUP OF TEA HAD GONE STONE COLD.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT WHEN I WENT UP IN THE WORLD,
I GOT A JOB IN A SHOE SHOP IN'T CITY.
GOING OFF TO WORK, IN A SMART SKIRT AND BLOUSE,
BUT THEY WERE ALL TOFFEE NOSED,
MOER'S THE PITY.
THIS OLD JEW THAT OWNED SHOP,
HAD GOT HIS SELF STUCK WITH A LOAD OF SUEDE SHOES, EMERALD GREEN.
THEY WERE LIKE CANAL BARGES, WITH INCH THICK CREPE SOLES,
OWT UGLIER I'VE NEVER SEEN.
A TWO SHILLING BONUS HE OFFERED US ALL,
TO GET RID OF THIS PLAGUE OF GREEN SHOES,
I NEEDED A NEW PAN STICK FROM'T CHIMIST NEXT DOOR,
I THOUGHT I'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE.
IN CAME THIS LASS, WELL, SHE WERE MORE LIKE HOUSE SIDE,
I WALKED OVER AND SAID, SMILINGLY, 'CAN I HELP'.
MY FINGERS WERE ITCHING TO FETCH THEM SUEDE SHOES,
THAT WERE STACKED UP IN'T STOCKROOM ON'T SHELF.
I PULLED UP A CHAIR AND SAT HER DOWN SHARPISH.
BEFORE SHE COULD CHANGE HER POOR MIND.
I ASKED HER SIZE, THEN DASHED OFF INTO'T BACK,
PRAYING, LET THAT LASS BE COLOUR BLIND.
SHE FASTENED THE LACES, THEN STOOD UP THEN LOOKED DOWN,
MY MIND ON'T NEW PAN STICK WERE DWELLING,
'DO THEY SUIT ME ' SEZ SHE, WITH THIS ANGELIC LOOK,
IF I NODDED SUEDE SHOES I'D BE SELLING.
BUT I LOOKED AT HER FEET, THEY WERE SIZE SEVEN AND A HALF,
AND I GULPED AT HER THIRTEEN STONE FRAME,
THAT LAS HAD TO SHOULDER A BIG ENOUGH CROSS,
TO SAY YES, JUST WEREN'T PLAYING THE GAME.
SO AS KIND AS I COULD, I SAID ' NO LOVE THEY DON'T'.
I'M A FEW THINGS BUT A LIARS NOT ONE.
I'M SURE SHE WERE GRATEFUL , C OS, SHE SMILED AND THEN LEFT,
THEN THIS VOICE FROM THE GODS HOLLERED,' WHAT HAVE YOU DONE'.
IT WAS THE STINGY OLD MANAGER BREATHING FIRE DOWN MY NECK,
I SEZ,' SLOW DOWN CHUCK, THAR MIGHT BLOW A FUSE,
AND THAR CAN STICK THAT TWO BOB WHERE IT WILL CAUSE THEE MOST PAIN,
COS, I'M NOT SELLING THEM BLOODY GREEN SHOES.
'GET YOUR COAT ON, YOUR SACKED,' HE SCREAMED IN A RAGE,
AND DON'T BEG FOR A REFERENCE', HE SHRIEKED,
SO I LEFT MY POSH JOB, AND WERE I TICKLED PINK,
HE HAD THEM SHOES IN'T SHOP WINDOW FOR WEEKS…..