ME AND THE SOUTH KIRBY GANG

IT WAS THURSDAY MORNING, DAMP AND COLD,
WHEN WE ARRIVED AT THE CHANNEL PORT,
'' THE FERRIES DELAYED'', THE OFFICER SAID,
SO THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME TO BOARD.

NOBODE BOTHERED TO ASK HIM,
JUST WHY THE BOAT WAS DELAYED,
TILL WE SAILED OUT OF THE HARBOUT,
STRAIGHT INTO THESE FIFTEEN FOOT WAVES.

NOW LES, MY NEW PAL ASSURED ME,
WE'D BE FINE ONCE WE WERE AT SEA,
COS! THE BOATS GOT SOME STABLE THINGS FITTED,
IT'LL SOON FEEL CALMER SASEZ HE.

I TRUSTED YOU LES, AND YOU GIL,
WHEN YOU PROMISED THAT I'D BE ALRIGHT,
AS MY BREAKFAST RESURFACED FOR THIRD TIME,
UN NOT AS SINGLE LIFE BOAT IN SIGHT.

VAL SEZ, WALK WITH YA FEET SPREAD APART,
AS I STUMBLED OFF TO THE LOO,
BUT SHE NEVER SAID WHAT A PROBLEM I'D HAVE,
TRING DESPERATELY NOT TO PEE IN MY SHOE.

THE OLD DUTY FREE WAS A SHAMBLES,
SOME FOLK WERE STARTING TO PANIC,
WHEN I HEARD SOMEONE HUMMING 'ABIDE WITH ME',
I KNEW HOW THEY'D FELT ON'T TITANIC.

STRUGGLING UP HILL ALL'T WAY,
I WENT BACK TO THE BAR,
I THOUGHT PETER HAD, HAD ONE OVER THE EIGHT,
BUT HE'D DROPPED A TWO HUNDRED POUND JACKPOT AND WERE STAGGERING UNDER THE WEIGHT.

HE CAME BACK ONE DAY WITH A RING THROUGH HIS NOSE,
NOBBY TOLD HIM , THAR'D BEST NOT GO HOME,
BUT THAT NIGHT FULL OF CONFIDENCE, HE RANG HIS MAM,
NEXT MORNING THE NOSE RING HAD GONE.

I SAID AS I SMOOTHED DETTOL CREAM ON THE NOSE,
THER'D BI DANGEROUS IF THAR'D HALF A BRAIN,
BUT HE WEREN'T A BAD LAD REALLY,INFACT,
AT SIDE A SOME OF 'EM PETE WERE QUITE SANE.

GEORGE HERE, WAS THE NAVIGATOR,
SO! HE HAD THE FRONT SEAT ON THE BUS,
HIS FAMOUS WORDS WERE, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING,
THEN PROCEEDED TO GET US ALL LOST.

AT LAST WE ARRIVED AT THE SHELL HOLE,
AND I WENT TO THE BAR WITH THE REST,
WELL! I THOUGHT IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM JOIN 'EM,
BUT I WAS WAY, WAY OUT OF MY DEPTH.

BECAUSE THIS LOT COULD DRINK FOR OLD ENGLAND,
AND SUFFERED NO HANGOVERS TO BOOT,
AS I SWALLOWED MY PAINKILLERS NEXT MONRING,
THEY JUST SAT ON'T BACK SEAT LOOKING CUTE.
IN THE ROOM NEXT TO ME WERE THE GOLDEN GIRLS,
JO, MAGGIE, LETTIE UN PAT,
THEY WOKE ME EACH MORNING FOR BREAKFAST,
DOWNSTAIRS IN THE GREASY SPOON CAFF.

BUT THEY KNEW MORE ABOUT WAR GRAVES THAN I'LL EVER LEARN,
AND MADE SURE THAT I DIDN'T MISS A THING,
JANET AND VAL MADE ME COFFEE,
WHI CH NEXT YEAR THEY SAID , I'VE GOT TO BRING.

ON SUNDAY THE GLAMEROUS GOLDEN GIRLS,
SAID,''WE'LL STAY AND GO SHOPPING WE THINK'',
THEY WERE FIBBING, WHILST WE VISITED T'WAR GRAVES,
THEY WERE OUT IN YPRES ON'T DRINK.

THEY MADE IT TO DINNER AND THEN DISAPPEARED,
SO THE REST OF US WENT TO THE LEGION,
BUT WHEN WE RETURNED, THERE WAS NOW ONLY THREE,
COS! MAGGIE HAD GONE BLOOMING MISSING.

I OFFERED TO LOOK IN HER BEDROOM,
UN I FOUND HER SPARK OUT ON HER BACK,
ALL SHE WORE WERE A WHITE FRILLY BODY,
SHE LOOKED LIKE SHIRLEY TEMPLE ON CRACK.

CHEIF! SAMS OTHER HALF KEPT US LAUGHING,
WITH A JOKE FOR EVERY OCCURENCE,
I NEVER KNEW IF HE WERE SOBER OR DRUNK,
COS! WITH'T CHIEF THERE WEREN'T REALLY MUCH DIFFERENCE.

LETTY, SHE HAD THIS FETTISH FOR MAGNETS,
THE ONES THAT YOU STICK TO THE FRIDGE DOOR, SHE BOUGHT EVERY MAGNET IN YPRES,
THE STOPPED ON'T WAY BACK FOR SOME MORE.
ONE DAY ON OUR WAY BACK FROM THE WAR GRAVES.

OUR BUS ENDED UP IN A DITCH,
JONATHAN, T'DRIVER WERE WHITE AS A SHEET,
UN POOR MARY, WERE PHYSICALLY SICK,
ONE FARMER TWO TRACTORS, UN THREE FARMHANDS.

MANAGED TO PULL THE BUS OUT,
GEORGE HAD US ALL UNDER ORDERS,
COS! GEORGE KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT,
WE TRAMPED UP THE ROAD, LIKE OUR DADS GONE BEFORE.

SINGING RAUCOUSLY 'PACK UP YA TROUBLES,
THEN WE SAW OUR OASIS IN THE SHAPE OF A PUB,
SO WE DIVED IN AND ALL ORDERED DOUBLES,
THE LANDLADY, WAS A BIT UNHYGENIC.

SHE HAD ONE SPEED AND SHE WOULD'NT BE HURRIED,
THE MEN AT THE BAR LOOKED LIKE LEFTOVERS FROM'T WAR,
THAT HAD BEEN DUG UP AND THEN BEEN REBURIED,
THE LAVS WERE LEFT OVER FROM'T SECOND WORLD WAR.

KIND OF BOTTOMLESS PITS WITH NO SEATS,
THE LOO PAPER, THEY PROPPED ON THE END OF THE BAR,
NEXT TO'T LANDLORD, WHO WERE IN HIS BARE FEET,
NOW DAVE HERE AND CHRIS, THEY SHARED THE SAME ROOM.

THEY DOT IN SOME RIGHT DRUNKEN STATES,
UN MISTAKENLY PUT IN EACH OTHERS FALSE TEETH,
AND DIDN'T FIND OUT FOR THREE DAYS,
IF YOU THINK THAT IS FUNNY WHAT ABOUT GIL.

HE COULDN'T PASS WATER FOR TRYING,
KIDNEY INFECTION OLD GILL SAID,
RUBBISH SAID ARE LAD THAR DYING,
FOR TWENTY FOUR HOURS THEY STAYED OFF THE BOOZE.

WE COULDN'T DECIDE WHO LOOKED WORSE,
CHIEF WITH HIS LEFT ARM STRAPPED UP LIKE A MUMMY,
OR GILL, WHO LOOKED READY FOR'T HEARSE,
BUT WE FINALLY ARRIVED BACK IN OLD BLIGHTY.

UN SOME GRAND FRIENDS I'VE MADE THATS FOR SURE,
I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN JAN, NEXT YEARS MY TURN FOR COFFEE,
OR YOU'LL NOT LET ME THROUGH THE BUS DOOR,
I'D LIKE TO END BY SAYING WHAT A FINE TIME I'VE HAD.

SPECIALLY BOOZIN' FROM ELEVEN IN THE MORNING,
I HAD WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS FOR NEARLY A WEEK,
BUT WITHOUT YOU LOT, MY LIFES IS PLAIN BORING,
YOU ALL VOWED YOU POP ROUND TO SEE US.

BUT SO FAR YOU HAVEN'T BEEN NEAR,
SO! I HOPE THAT YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN,
THAT MY NAMES,TOP UTT LIST FOR NEXT YEAR.........