SCRAPMANS BALL

WELCOME TO OUR YEARLY SCRAPMANS BALL,
WE MEET HERE ONCE A YEAR TO STRUTT OUR STUFF.
IN OUR SEQUINS UN OUR UPLIFT BRA'S I THINK WE SCRUB UP WELL,
WELL! SOME DO, THE REST LOOK BLOODY ROUGH.
LET ME INTRODUCE THE NEW FOLK TO THE REGULARS,
WE'LL START WITH LISA HERE, WHO ALWAYS LOWERS THE TONE,
SHE CAN'T HELP IT IF SHE'S FAT AND UGLY.
BUT WE'D APPRECIATE IT MORE LOVE, IF YOU STAYED AT HOME.

THEN FURTHER UP THERE'S SYBIL,
SHE 'S TOMMY BARNES 'S BIT A FLUFF,
SHE'LL PASS WIND REGARDLESS.
THEN LOOK ACROSS AS IF IT'S US.
FINGERS CROSSED THE CATERERS,
WON'T BE SERVING BRUSSELS SPROUTS,
COS IF YOU'RE PLONKED NEXT TO SYBIL,
THE STINK WILL KNOCK YOU OUT.

ADA'S OUR CHAMPION BELCHER, SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND INHALES,
THEN OPENS UP HER MASSIVE GOB, IT'S LIKE A FORCE TEN GALE.
NOW WE CAN'T FORGET OLD MABEL, SHE HAS THE PUB ACROSS THE STREET,
SHE'S ANOTHER ONE THAT PONGS A BIT,
BUT WITH MABEL IT'S HER FEET,
JUST LAST YEAR, THE MAYOR AND'T COUNCILLORS INVITED US TO LUNCH,
TO THANK US FOR DONATIONS TO HIS CHARITIES AND SUCH
WELL MABEL BEING MABEL WENT AND SAT BESIDE HIS GRACE,
SLIPPED OFF HER SIZE EIGHT COURT SHOES AND ALMOST EMPTIED BLOODY PLACE.

WAITRESSES THE POOR OLD SODS, THEY PIROUET AND SWIRVE,
AVOIDING JOHN THE BAPTIST'S HAND FROM STRAYING UP THEIR SKIRTS.
THEY CALL HIM JOHN THE BAPTIST BECAUSE THEY'ER DEAREST WISH,
IS TO SEE HIS GARNISHED HEAD LAID OUT UPON THEIR SERVING DISH.
HE'S THE MEDALLION MAN ORIGINAL, HIS BRAIN IS CLINICALLY DEAD,
EXCEPT FOR A DIRECT LINE HE HAS TO THE APPENDAGE BETWEEN HIS LEGS
HIS COMMON LAW WIFE, THAT'S TRACY, RUNS THE LOCAL BETTING SHOP,
SHE KEEPS THE BAPTIST IN HIS PLACE, COS.SHE'S BUILT LIKE A RUGBY PROP.
A PUNTER ONCE WENT IN THE SHOP DEMANDING MONEY FROM THE SAFE,
TRACY PULLED HIM OVER'T COUNTER AND RE- ORGANISED HIS FACE.

IF YOU THINK A PITBULLS UGLY, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN BIG JOHN
HE'S A FACE THAT ONLY A MOTHER COULD ADORE
HE'S NOT BART BRASS, UN HE SCRUBS UP WELL
IT'S JUST SHAME, THE MIDWIFE, SLIPPED AND DROPPED HIM ON THE FLOOR.
THEN OF COURSE THERE'S CARMEN SHE'S A KIND OF URBAN SLAPPER,
SHE'S GOT WRINKLES ON HER WRINKLES SO THEY SAY;
SHE KEEPS THE CORNER SHOP IN BUSINESS,
ORDERING ENDLESS POLYFILLA,
SHE NEEDS A CHISEL AND A LECTRIC DRILL TO CLEAN HER FACE OFF EVERY DAY.
SHE RECKONS IT DOWN TO ALL THE RAGING HORMONES
WHEN SHE'S DESPERATE SHE'LL EVEN BLAME IT ON THE WEATHER,
FAG DROOPING FROM THE CORNER OF HER MOUTH.
HER HAIR LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING THAT AN EAGLE REARS IT'S YOUNG IN,
SHE'S HOTTER THAN A BOWL OF CHILLI PEPPERS.

NOW, CARMENS SISTER, WELL WE CALL HER PROZAC PAT,
COS, SHE'S A PARMANENT BLOODY GRIN ACROSS HER FACE,
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT SHE GETS UP TO WITH A LARGE SIZE FLAVOURED CONDOM,
WHEN SHE'S SUPPING PINTS A TETLEYS WITH HER MATES.
DOWN THERE ON'T END IS MARTHA, SHE'S MY ALBERTS CLEANER ,
SHE WIELDS THE HOOVER LIKE A BAND OF OFFICE,
SPEED SHE DOES THE CORRIDOR SHE'S GOT A CHRONIC CASE OF WHIPLASH,
AND THE SPOON STANDS TO ATTENTION WHEN SHE MAKES THE MORNING COFFEES.
ACROSS FROM HER IS VERA THE VILLAGE VESTAL VIRGIN,
BUT DON'T BELIEVE IT, NOT AT ANY PRICE,
ON THE SHELF, NOT VERA, I BET IT'S SAFE TO SAY,
SHE'S BEEN LIFTED DOWN UN DUSTED ONCE OR TWICE.

AT LAST WE GET TO VAL OUR VERY OWN BARBIE DOLL
HER KENNETH SHOULF GET A BRAVERY MEDAL FOR COPING,
HE HASN'T GOT A CRACKER HE'S PAID FOR THAT MUCH PLASTIC SURGERY,
WHEN SHE GOES TO CROSS HER LEGS HER BLOODY MOUTH SNAPS OPEN.
NOW DON'T ALL START TO PANIC BUT I'VE JUST BEEN PASSED A NOTE,
THEY'VE JUST CONFIRMED THEY'RE SERVING BRUSSELS SPROUTS,
SO WHOEVERS NEXT TO SYBIL, NOWS THE TIME TO LEG IT
OR YOU'LL BE IN DIRECT LINE FOR'T NUCLEAR FALL OUT.

HUGH WELL HE'S THE ONE WHO OCCUPIES TWO CHAIRS,
HE MAKES ROCHDALES CYRIL SMITH LOOK ANOREXIC,
HIS FACE COULD STOP A PIT BULL,WHEN YOU MENTION THAT HE'S FAT
UN IF YOU TALK BEHIND HIS BACK HE GOES BALLISTIC.
HE ONCE GOT STUCK IN'T LIFT, AT THE LOCAL D I Y SHOP,
IT TOOK TWO DAYS AND A FORK LIFT TRUCK TO PULL HIM OUT,

WHEN HE STAGGERED INTO'T CAR PARK WITH HIS TROUSERS ROUND HIS ANKLES,
HE TRIPPED UP, KNOCKING TROLLEYS ON TO'T LOCAL ROUNDABOUT.
LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST IS VAL THE BARBIE DOLL,
HER PERCY NEEDS A BRAVERY MEDAL FOR COPING,
SHE'S HAD THAT MUCH PLASTIC SURGERY THE POOR SODS STONY BROKE,
WHEN SHE SITS DOWN TO CROSS HER LEGS, HER BLOODY MOUTH SNAPS OPEN.
ANYWAY, NOW I'VE INTRODUCE YOU, I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOY IT,
I'VE JUST CHECKED MENU AND BY! HECK! THEY'RE SERVING BRUSSELS SPROUTS,
SO IF YOU'RE SEATED NEXT TO SYBIL, NOWS THE TIME LEG IT,
OR, YOU'LL MISS THE CABARET, YOU'LL BE SPARK OUT
.