HIM INDOORS

HAVE YOU EVER FELT AS IF YOUR DISAPPEARING UP YOUR OWN BACKSIDE,
AND YOUR STRESS LEVELS ARE HIGHER THAN THE CEILING,
AND MACHO MAN COMES IN AND SAYS I'D LOVE A CUP OF TEA,
WELL! YOU GIVE IT HIM BUT IT'S CERTAINLY NOT DARJEELING.

THERE'S AN IRRESISTABLE URGE TO STRANGLE HIM WHEN HE'S THREE SHEETS TO THE WIND,
UN I WOULD IF IT WASN'T FOR MY DAUGHTER,
HE PROMISES FAITHFUL EVERY MONDAY MORNING THAT HE'S GOING ON THE WAGON,
IT'S LIKE HEARING OLIVER REED SAY'' MINES A MINERAL WATER.''

HE'S THE KIND OF PERSON WHO ASKS 'WHY DON'T SHEEP SHRINK WHEN IT RAINS,
UN HE SMILES UN WINKS WHEN'T DOGS LICKING IT'S NETHER PLACE,
WHEN HE DOSENT COTTON ON TO WHEN THAT SMART DOG IS DONE,
HE CLIMBS UP ON HIS KNEE AND LICKS HIS FACE.

WHEN WE WERE COURTING HE BOUGHT ME CROTCHLESS LACEY DRAWERS,
THEN SPENT REST OF'T TIME TRYING TO GET 'EM OFF,
I TRIED EXPLAINING JUST WHAT CROTCHLESS MEANT BUT BY NOW HE'S BLUE IN'T FACE,
IT WERE LIKE A SABRE DANCE WITH RIMSKY KORSAKOV,

MEN ARE LIKE THAT THEY BUY YOU SATIN KNICKERS WITH PURPLE LACE ADORNED,
THEN PUT THEM IN AN ASDA CARRIER BAG,
WELL, THEY HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT WRAPPING CHRISTMAS PARCELS
UN WHEN IT COMES TO CHRISTMAS DAY ITS LIKE A CRUMPLED RAG.

SO! THIS YEAR AM OFF TO BENIDORM WITH SOME UTT OTHER LASSES,
UN HE WON'T KNOW TILL HE WAKES UP CHRISTMAS EVE,
I;VE LEFT A NOTE TO TELL HIM HOW TO STUFF THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY,
A TAPE OF FRANKIE LAINE ,SINGING,,''I BELIEVE''

I'D LOVE TO BE A FLY ON'T WALL ,WHEN HE STUMBLES DOWN TO BREAKFAST,
I CAN HEAR HIM NOW,''SHE WOULDN'T BLOODY DARE,''
WELL! I WOULD LAD, UN I DID LAD, SO GO UN GERRA LIFE,
THA'LLL NOT SEE ME AGAIN UNTIL T'NEW YEAR.